How to be effectively slutty.
My inspiration for this post comes from my friend, we'll call her Emily. Now Emily is an amazing girl. She's absolutely beautiful (ballet dancer, so great body, long hair, pretty face,) she's also, and more importantly, brilliant, cultured, caring, and a bit of a housewife. (I am a horrid cook, so I tend to collect friends that cook for me.) But Emily has a problem--one I've heard many women face. She doesn't like to initiate intimacy, and she has trouble getting men to "make the move." Now, admittedly, intimacy happens at different times for different people in different types of relationships. Emily isn't serious with anyone, but she has a couple of guys she's 'been involved with.' However, she often has difficulties getting them into the sack. I hate to be egotistical, but I am a natural when it comes to initiating intimacy in an un-awkward fashion. If I can get them through my door--I'm golden. I'm often surprised when my friends discuss their difficulties in this area, I thought it might be useful to list some general tips:
1.)I have hooked up with many a friend. As a rule of thumb, I always make them make the first mood. This way, if things go badly, I can blame them. The name of the game is entrappment.
2.) Not that I haven't done it, but making out at a bar is just skanky. I try to avoid it. Frankly, throwing yourself at a man at a bar is also just nasty. If you want a quality guy...you have to let him come to you. Have you ever heard the saying "he chased her until she turned around and caught him" ? Now, I'm all for one night stands, and I've picked up many a guy at a bar. But, barring a few unfortunate incidents, you never see me going at it in public. The key to being effectively slutty, is that you don't let anyone realize that you're a bit of a whore at times--that should be kept personal.
3.) Very rarely does a guy come over and you immediately start having sex (or whatever). Usually, there needs to be some sort of excuse for why you're "hanging out." i.e. movie, glass of wine, smoking a hookah. Personally, I prefer to be blunt with regular fuck buddies, and merely tell them that we will be having sex now. However, I've heard I'm in the minority. Whatever your excuse, make it reasonable that both parties can pretend to be legitimately interested in partaking in the event, but not so enjoyable of an activity that you become more interested in it than the potential sexual encounter. I've made this mistake before. In other words, pick a bad movie, or one you've seen several times. Also, always be prepared to suddenly stop whatever you're in the middle of doing. I once found myself in a very awkward position: a guy came over supposedly to smoke hookah, I at least knew that we were going to be having sex (men are sometimes dense about it---in case you're curious, if he comes over, at night, and isn't already a close friend, he wants to have sex. it's that simple. However, sometimes when it comes to doing it, they need gentle nudges.) anyways, he finally made a move on me when i was holding my hookah filled with tobacco---i had to awkwardly get it out of my hands without breaking anything while simultaneously taking advantage of the moment---never stop the moment once it happens. it makes things worse.
4.) If you're having trouble getting things started, playful physical contact is very effective. For example, when he teases you, gently pout and lean your head against his shoulder. Or if you're watching a movie and something scary happens, bury your head in his arm (I mean, let's be serious--we're not actually afraid.) Another key move of mine is the leg touch. When you're talking, or making a point, gently put your hand on his inner thigh---but kinda near the top so its not to skanky. I prefer to make that mood just for a second for added emphasis. It's a very powerful tool, use wisely. I have never used it and not, immediatly thereafter, gotten laid.
5.) Smile a lot and look at their mouth. They think its a sub-conscious attraction. I don't believe in the sub-conscious. I always act with forethought. (well, at least when I'm sober.)
6.) Body positioning is key. You want to put yourself in the position where you can't help but be close to them physically without being obvious I have this great balcony that can barely fit two people. I'll tell them to step out and enjoy the view--they'll have no choice to be in close physical proximity. That's when they become super aware of your body and there's. Sold. I'm also a fan of utilizing futons or couches. I have a couch that fit's two comfortably, three tightly. I'm always careful when I have a guy over to sit towards the middle, so they have no choice but to be close to you--it takes care of the awkward distance when he wants to make a move thing. But don't do it really obviously, its about finesse.
7.) Try not to mock their attempts at making a move on you. They can be quite pathetic at time. It seems that whenever guys are in sexual situations they revert to highschool fallbacks. for example, I once had a guy over for a movie. He literally inched his hand over, a centimeter at a time so he was holding mine---like he thought I wouldn't notice what I was doing and we would magically end up holding hands. It was quite pathetic. I wasn't particularly eager with this guy to hook up either, else I would have helped him along a bit. I found it much more amusing to watch him struggle. I can be a bit cruel at times--- I shouldn't play with my food.
8.) Eye contact is key. There is a moment, right before a man kisses you where he looks at you for a second, usually quite awkwardly. Things get very quiet. I, and I suspect many others, always want to look away---because its awkward sitting next to someone and staring at them in silence. BUT DO NOT LOOK AWAY. Hold the eye contact, until he leans in and goes for the kiss. I have this look my friends call the lemur eye. It's quite effective. When things are about to start I make my eyes big (they're already quite large) and gaze up at him adoringly. slam dunk, every time.
9.) While I'm not suggesting anybody do something they're not comfortable with, I find sobriety is entirely overrated in this kind of situation. A little liquid courage always helps. Or more illicit substances. In case you're wondering, if a guy every invites you over for a drink or to smoke, he wants to have sex. Don't doubt me for a minute here.
10.) If for some reason the guy you're with is particularly dense, and you find yourself in the position that you have to make the move, go and go big. The couple of times I've been their, I favor grabbing them by their shirt collar when they least expect it and kissing them. They're so taken by surprise that next thing you know we're making out and my clothes are coming off. They totally forget to be shy.
11.) To be honest, I'm not a huge communicator--hence why serious relationships aren't my thing. I also seem to attract men that want to talk about "us" at the most inconvenient times--like during intercourse. But, I've also heard that I'm a bit of a minority as far as women go in this area. So, just fyi. If you are having a random hookup with a guy, and you're enjoying it, do not, under any circumstances, start asking him "where do we stand." First of all, I feel those kind of conversations should be initiated by men, but that may just be my old school tendencies talking. Second, no bigger mood killer than "what is this." To be honest, I tend to be a bit of a man in relationships---but I swear, if I had a cock (and it would be a big one) the minute somebody said "what is this" while we were hooking up, it would go flacid.
So, to all of you potential whores out there: good luck, and go get dirty!
Mae
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
the new kind of DTR talk
So, there's this new, pesky part of being a post-modern woman in the dating world and that's facebook. And no, I don't just mean being careful of what you post and oh no employers are looking and oh jeez, I'm friends with my grandma and my friend just posted on my wall about getting stoned. No, I'm talking about the whole "Facebook official" business. It's a whole 'nother layer to the "Define the Relationship" talk that you have to have. It's also another layer to the break up conversation. I'll give you an example.
When I broke up with my LTR. (I realize I never gave him a name, well, he's just my LTR). Anyway, I had to have the talk with him, after I broke his little heart, after 4 1/2 years of being together and "Facebook Official", after all of that, of taking down our relationship. Of course, I had to talk him through it (he never could figure out things on his own). Tell him to be sure to change his privacy settings so that when he changed his status to "single", facebook didn't publish it on the NewsFeed and I didn't get 5000 posts from everyone and their mother (because I'm friends with like a million people from high school that I never talk to) who are so concerned with me being "okay". A minute after we had the conversation, I took it down. Liberating. Then I noticed that he had stuff about me in his profile. Oh yeah, I guess it's cute (or maybe obsessive) when you're dating, but not anymore. My name was listed in his interests and he had a quote of mine in his "quotes". The next day, he called me to see how our families had reacted to the news of us breaking up (what did he think they'd say? Did he think my super driven, independent woman mother would tell me to go back to controlling, loser, no-ambition boy?). I told him to take the stuff down. He didn't. A month and a half later, I sent him a Facebook message (damnit! I know, but I didn't want to call him because he'd want me back or talk about how sad he was or something pathetic). I told him to take it down, that I just wanted it to be done! Anyway, he sent me a message a week later saying how he just couldn't do it, it was too final, he couldn't "tear off the band-aid". In nicer terms, I told him I was over it, and tough shit, take it off. I think he still has my quote in his quotes, but at least my name is out of his interests. Seriously?
And then you start dating someone (and no, I'm not to facebook official yet with anyone), and then when do you make it facebook official? No one seems to count a relationship as anything unless it's on facebook. Since I'm friends with my parents on facebook, I'd have to tell them first before I just added this boy (oh, by the way, mom and dad, I've been sleeping with this guy, thought we'd let everyone know). So, when you know you're exclusive with a guy, when you have that date or that overnight or just that moment when you know that you don't want to date anyone else, what then? Do you gaze into his beautiful eyes, longingly, maybe post coital and say, "Do you want to be my facebook boyfriend?" Romantic? I know someone who waited a year, waited until they met each others parents to make it facebook official. Whoa, that's intense.
And, in case anyone was wondering, I had an amazing date on Friday that restored my faith in the male gender. Just thought I'd share. There are men who don't just want sex!
When I broke up with my LTR. (I realize I never gave him a name, well, he's just my LTR). Anyway, I had to have the talk with him, after I broke his little heart, after 4 1/2 years of being together and "Facebook Official", after all of that, of taking down our relationship. Of course, I had to talk him through it (he never could figure out things on his own). Tell him to be sure to change his privacy settings so that when he changed his status to "single", facebook didn't publish it on the NewsFeed and I didn't get 5000 posts from everyone and their mother (because I'm friends with like a million people from high school that I never talk to) who are so concerned with me being "okay". A minute after we had the conversation, I took it down. Liberating. Then I noticed that he had stuff about me in his profile. Oh yeah, I guess it's cute (or maybe obsessive) when you're dating, but not anymore. My name was listed in his interests and he had a quote of mine in his "quotes". The next day, he called me to see how our families had reacted to the news of us breaking up (what did he think they'd say? Did he think my super driven, independent woman mother would tell me to go back to controlling, loser, no-ambition boy?). I told him to take the stuff down. He didn't. A month and a half later, I sent him a Facebook message (damnit! I know, but I didn't want to call him because he'd want me back or talk about how sad he was or something pathetic). I told him to take it down, that I just wanted it to be done! Anyway, he sent me a message a week later saying how he just couldn't do it, it was too final, he couldn't "tear off the band-aid". In nicer terms, I told him I was over it, and tough shit, take it off. I think he still has my quote in his quotes, but at least my name is out of his interests. Seriously?
And then you start dating someone (and no, I'm not to facebook official yet with anyone), and then when do you make it facebook official? No one seems to count a relationship as anything unless it's on facebook. Since I'm friends with my parents on facebook, I'd have to tell them first before I just added this boy (oh, by the way, mom and dad, I've been sleeping with this guy, thought we'd let everyone know). So, when you know you're exclusive with a guy, when you have that date or that overnight or just that moment when you know that you don't want to date anyone else, what then? Do you gaze into his beautiful eyes, longingly, maybe post coital and say, "Do you want to be my facebook boyfriend?" Romantic? I know someone who waited a year, waited until they met each others parents to make it facebook official. Whoa, that's intense.
And, in case anyone was wondering, I had an amazing date on Friday that restored my faith in the male gender. Just thought I'd share. There are men who don't just want sex!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
my dating identity
So, I am just re-entering the dating scene after getting out of a serious, long term relationship. I was wondering what men will think of me, who they think I am. I also wonder what a man will think if he walks into my room, based on what's in there. Here's a general list of what's in my room and hanging on the walls: lots of art, a Ferrari flag, several crosses & rosaries, Colts gear, tons of books (art books, religion books, sorority books, and novels of all varieties), clothes/shoes that evidence my retail addiction, and more. I've realized that I am a walking series of contradictions. Here goes:
I'm Catholic with a drawer of sex toys.
I'm an art fanatic and a football fanatic.
I love fashion, being girly, and dressing up and I love camping, hiking, and the whole not showering thing.
I'm a former sorority president and I'm fiercely independent.
I wonder what kind of man would be attracted to a girl like me, who doesn't seem to make sense, but I do. These seem like contradictions, but they all work for me. And if a guy weren't just totally confused at first, and would give me a chance to explain them, maybe I'd have a chance with him.
My fellow bloggers and I decided to try to explain our "type" to each other. I gave it a shot. But when I look at the walking contradiction that I am, I wonder what kind of person is really right for me. I'm going on a date tomorrow with a guy who doesn't fall into that "type" in several ways (esp. physically), but I'm excited for it and open for the chance. Having not had a real date with someone I'm actually interested in in a long time, I guess I don't really know.
This has been a long, rambling post, so what's the lesson here? I think it's that age-old lesson of not losing yourself. I, unfortunately, lost a lot of myself in my LTR and am in the process of regaining that now that I'm single and dating again. So now I have to ensure that I know my identity and am certain of it. And I need to be comfortable in it, be sure that, on a date, I'm totally honest and upfront. I would expect nothing less from a boy I'm out with too.
And, a final, unrelated lesson. From the film "America the Beautiful". The filmmaker interviewed Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues. In her discussion about cosmetic surgeries to improve the appearance of a woman's genitalia. She thought it was ridiculous that women are getting surgery to make their labia even, when FGM is what we're fighting in Africa. In light of women getting what they call "Vaginal Rejuvenation", she said "Too lose? Get a bigger dick!" I couldn't agree more.
I'm Catholic with a drawer of sex toys.
I'm an art fanatic and a football fanatic.
I love fashion, being girly, and dressing up and I love camping, hiking, and the whole not showering thing.
I'm a former sorority president and I'm fiercely independent.
I wonder what kind of man would be attracted to a girl like me, who doesn't seem to make sense, but I do. These seem like contradictions, but they all work for me. And if a guy weren't just totally confused at first, and would give me a chance to explain them, maybe I'd have a chance with him.
My fellow bloggers and I decided to try to explain our "type" to each other. I gave it a shot. But when I look at the walking contradiction that I am, I wonder what kind of person is really right for me. I'm going on a date tomorrow with a guy who doesn't fall into that "type" in several ways (esp. physically), but I'm excited for it and open for the chance. Having not had a real date with someone I'm actually interested in in a long time, I guess I don't really know.
This has been a long, rambling post, so what's the lesson here? I think it's that age-old lesson of not losing yourself. I, unfortunately, lost a lot of myself in my LTR and am in the process of regaining that now that I'm single and dating again. So now I have to ensure that I know my identity and am certain of it. And I need to be comfortable in it, be sure that, on a date, I'm totally honest and upfront. I would expect nothing less from a boy I'm out with too.
And, a final, unrelated lesson. From the film "America the Beautiful". The filmmaker interviewed Eve Ensler, author of The Vagina Monologues. In her discussion about cosmetic surgeries to improve the appearance of a woman's genitalia. She thought it was ridiculous that women are getting surgery to make their labia even, when FGM is what we're fighting in Africa. In light of women getting what they call "Vaginal Rejuvenation", she said "Too lose? Get a bigger dick!" I couldn't agree more.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I am a Cali girl, displaced into middle America. I moved in august and it was a bittersweet end to my summer. The story is complicated, so try and bear with it. I left out the details, a lot of why's and the answers to them. There is the man i would have stayed straight for, the woman i would go gay for and the man who was better than either and let me just have sex with him.
First there was Saul. i fell in love with him. a month after this revelation i found out he had a girlfriend-- a fact which he hid from me in those preliminary months we flirted, shared our writing, hung out, smoked weed. I tried to take the high road because Saul was wonderful and i was sure i could be friends with him. But it became too awkwardly apparent that we were soul mates and so we entered into this state of non-relationship. He actually used the term "right-brained girlfriend". we basked in each others company. If i had spare time i called Saul. he taught me how to become a better writer, how to live cheaply, how to get what i wanted. that is the thing about Saul, he is an opportunist; he is charming, intelligent, and flattering. I saw it, but felt like things were fair between us, i trusted him and never felt cheated. In May i told him i loved him and had the most gratifying dtr (define the relationship) conversation i might ever have. he said he didn't know what he was doing with current girlfriend, that we were so alike and that he could see us starting a family in the future. it took him a month to break up with her and in that time i met Drew.
Drew was a boy i had a crush on in high school. he had long skater hair and quoted hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy. when I saw him in May he asked me if i wanted to go see DJ Tiesto who was coming to Sacramento. i said hell yes! (if you don't know this dj, look him up. he's performing at coachella this year. btw.) now, in young people culture usually an invite by a crush to a big concert means we're going to hook up after. and we did. I did not feel guilty about this. it was hot and Saul and i we were not in a relationship yet. i had A LOT of sexual frustration from being hung up on (and celibate) in all those months. So here was Drew. he's the first man to give me an orgasm. we entered into an advanced fuck buddy status, on the cusp of couple. Except i knew nothing would ever get that far. I actually had a get out of jail free card-- moving in a month. fortunately i was able to leave him without him knowing about Saul or Re.
who is Re? Re is the woman i fell in love with. We went to the same community college and became friends. She invited me to the Russian River Women's Weekend. Until arriving there, i had no idea that it was a lesbian celebration. i have always been rather naive when it comes to woman on woman action, although i had been curious for quite a while. i was excited that here was a safe zone to experiment. i kept looking for a girl to open up to but i could not take my eyes off Re. she is beautiful, genuine, intelligent, capable, complex, and so loving. she cares for everyone around her. and i felt myself to be in trouble because she had a boyfriend (of 7 years no less). unfortunately we never even kissed, but we broke into an abandoned house once to look for a light, made dandelion wine, found perfect butterflies. something special always happens when i am with her. If she and the boyfriend broke up and she asked me to move to Argentina with her i would, even now. But i had to deny her the privilege of helping me move to the Midwest although she pressed me. I knew that if i let her we would hook up and while she might be ok with that, i didn't want her to be. Neither would i considering i wouldn't be the one she would return home to. She and i are still... friends?
i believe Saul saw my journal entry about Re and though there were many other reasons for the distance that grew between us, he was catholic and i knew he couldn't handle a relationship with a bisexual woman. i have not spoken to Saul since Christmas since we had sex in the back of my grandparent's explorer in the back of an alley of his hometown. It's not as bad as it seems. Everything with Saul was always take it as it is.
Although there have been crushes and lovers since then, this is the story that really propels my current views of "love".
now you know.
First there was Saul. i fell in love with him. a month after this revelation i found out he had a girlfriend-- a fact which he hid from me in those preliminary months we flirted, shared our writing, hung out, smoked weed. I tried to take the high road because Saul was wonderful and i was sure i could be friends with him. But it became too awkwardly apparent that we were soul mates and so we entered into this state of non-relationship. He actually used the term "right-brained girlfriend". we basked in each others company. If i had spare time i called Saul. he taught me how to become a better writer, how to live cheaply, how to get what i wanted. that is the thing about Saul, he is an opportunist; he is charming, intelligent, and flattering. I saw it, but felt like things were fair between us, i trusted him and never felt cheated. In May i told him i loved him and had the most gratifying dtr (define the relationship) conversation i might ever have. he said he didn't know what he was doing with current girlfriend, that we were so alike and that he could see us starting a family in the future. it took him a month to break up with her and in that time i met Drew.
Drew was a boy i had a crush on in high school. he had long skater hair and quoted hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy. when I saw him in May he asked me if i wanted to go see DJ Tiesto who was coming to Sacramento. i said hell yes! (if you don't know this dj, look him up. he's performing at coachella this year. btw.) now, in young people culture usually an invite by a crush to a big concert means we're going to hook up after. and we did. I did not feel guilty about this. it was hot and Saul and i we were not in a relationship yet. i had A LOT of sexual frustration from being hung up on (and celibate) in all those months. So here was Drew. he's the first man to give me an orgasm. we entered into an advanced fuck buddy status, on the cusp of couple. Except i knew nothing would ever get that far. I actually had a get out of jail free card-- moving in a month. fortunately i was able to leave him without him knowing about Saul or Re.
who is Re? Re is the woman i fell in love with. We went to the same community college and became friends. She invited me to the Russian River Women's Weekend. Until arriving there, i had no idea that it was a lesbian celebration. i have always been rather naive when it comes to woman on woman action, although i had been curious for quite a while. i was excited that here was a safe zone to experiment. i kept looking for a girl to open up to but i could not take my eyes off Re. she is beautiful, genuine, intelligent, capable, complex, and so loving. she cares for everyone around her. and i felt myself to be in trouble because she had a boyfriend (of 7 years no less). unfortunately we never even kissed, but we broke into an abandoned house once to look for a light, made dandelion wine, found perfect butterflies. something special always happens when i am with her. If she and the boyfriend broke up and she asked me to move to Argentina with her i would, even now. But i had to deny her the privilege of helping me move to the Midwest although she pressed me. I knew that if i let her we would hook up and while she might be ok with that, i didn't want her to be. Neither would i considering i wouldn't be the one she would return home to. She and i are still... friends?
i believe Saul saw my journal entry about Re and though there were many other reasons for the distance that grew between us, he was catholic and i knew he couldn't handle a relationship with a bisexual woman. i have not spoken to Saul since Christmas since we had sex in the back of my grandparent's explorer in the back of an alley of his hometown. It's not as bad as it seems. Everything with Saul was always take it as it is.
Although there have been crushes and lovers since then, this is the story that really propels my current views of "love".
now you know.
About me, E
So, we're doing these about the author posts. So you get an idea of who will be giving these tidbits, pieces of advice, etc. We'll see how this one goes.
Generally, I'm a twenty-something girl, fiercely independent, trying to find a job with a degree that wants to put me in a box (but, as I like to say, a very well-decorated box). I'm not materialistic, though I have an obsession with scarves. A huge amount of my clothes are second hand and I buy nothing unless it is on sale. I didn't pay for any of the furniture in my apartment (aside from my mattress, that would be gross). I'm an ardent environmentalist, but can't always afford to stick by my guns. I'm working on finding more cost-effective ways to eat green (probs going to join at CSA this summer and start a garden). Anyway, that's me, very generally.
Since this is a blog about love/dating. That's where the real story lies, and I have a long one to tell. About 4 months ago, I got out of a serious, LTR. We'd been together for 4 1/2 years and ditching that was the best decision I've ever made. I keep waiting for the moment I break down and cry, and it never happened. I had one day, a week after he and I broke up that I cried, when I got rid of all the things he gave me (well, put it all in a box in my roommate's closet), but that's about it. It lasted all of an hour (if that).
I guess I should start from the beginning. This guy and I met in high school. We were close friends and started dating the way most people in high school do. Go to a movie, come home, make out and TA-DA, you're together. 2 years into things, we were doing alright. There were some major problems, but I chose to ignore them (as in, he was pretty controlling with things like not allowing me to get any more tattoos and other things like that but I let him do that. A month after we broke up, I just got a great tattoo and plan on getting a few more). We were close with each others families, everything was great and, in a freak accident, he experiences a life-altering injury. After that, he became angry. He got a victim mentality. The world out to get him. He also won a lawsuit (as he should have. My family and I encouraged him to file the suit and he deserved it). However, the settlement he received would lead to later problems (now, he's relying on the money, doesn't plan to work, etc.). Anyway, he'll deny up and down that nothing changed after the injury, but that's just not true. He had always been an angry person. I mean scary angry (when I got my first tattoo, which was a few months after we first started dating, he broke his hand in anger punching something). Anyway, all of this leads to his destructive behavior. He let his stupid friends control his life and tried to live up to their expectations. By the end of our relationship, he was an alcoholic and a pot head and a smoker. If you know me well at all, this is a problem. And no, it's not my job to fix that. Never, ever think it's your job.
We had a lot of fun together. We went on trips. We had great sex (until the end). He made me laugh (until the end, when I could tell he just hated me). He told me I was pretty (until the end, when he stopped trying and cared more about his stupid friends than me).
I remember the moment, exact moment, I stopped loving him. We were in a huge fight. I had gone to visit him for my birthday (I guess I didn't mention that we were long distance. Went to different colleges after high school that are 5 hours apart). We were talking about what his new "philosophy on life" was. It wasn't really a philosophy, but more a series of excuses for alcohol addiction and childish decisions. Still, I calmly let him explain himself. Then, I explained to him how I felt. How it hurt me to see him make these destructive decisions because I cared about him. He then laughed in my face. I called him an asshole. He walked out and then got drunk with his friends. I stopped loving him that moment. Still, it took me a month to realize that things finally needed to end.
In an LTR, it's really hard to end things. For the last 6 months, the only thing holding us together was "it's been 4 years, we have to make it work" My lesson for all of you is that this is not Project Runway. You don't "Make it Work." Relationships do take some work. Yes, they take compromise, but they don't take sacrifice.
Stress no longer exists in my life. I don't let it. My only regret is that I didn't end things sooner. I would have been much happier much sooner. Now I have freedom to be with my friends. To go out and flirt and have fun. I am open to flirting and fun and love, real love, not stress and work.
So now, I flirt, I date, and I'm learning what it means to be a single twenty-something and LOVING IT!
Generally, I'm a twenty-something girl, fiercely independent, trying to find a job with a degree that wants to put me in a box (but, as I like to say, a very well-decorated box). I'm not materialistic, though I have an obsession with scarves. A huge amount of my clothes are second hand and I buy nothing unless it is on sale. I didn't pay for any of the furniture in my apartment (aside from my mattress, that would be gross). I'm an ardent environmentalist, but can't always afford to stick by my guns. I'm working on finding more cost-effective ways to eat green (probs going to join at CSA this summer and start a garden). Anyway, that's me, very generally.
Since this is a blog about love/dating. That's where the real story lies, and I have a long one to tell. About 4 months ago, I got out of a serious, LTR. We'd been together for 4 1/2 years and ditching that was the best decision I've ever made. I keep waiting for the moment I break down and cry, and it never happened. I had one day, a week after he and I broke up that I cried, when I got rid of all the things he gave me (well, put it all in a box in my roommate's closet), but that's about it. It lasted all of an hour (if that).
I guess I should start from the beginning. This guy and I met in high school. We were close friends and started dating the way most people in high school do. Go to a movie, come home, make out and TA-DA, you're together. 2 years into things, we were doing alright. There were some major problems, but I chose to ignore them (as in, he was pretty controlling with things like not allowing me to get any more tattoos and other things like that but I let him do that. A month after we broke up, I just got a great tattoo and plan on getting a few more). We were close with each others families, everything was great and, in a freak accident, he experiences a life-altering injury. After that, he became angry. He got a victim mentality. The world out to get him. He also won a lawsuit (as he should have. My family and I encouraged him to file the suit and he deserved it). However, the settlement he received would lead to later problems (now, he's relying on the money, doesn't plan to work, etc.). Anyway, he'll deny up and down that nothing changed after the injury, but that's just not true. He had always been an angry person. I mean scary angry (when I got my first tattoo, which was a few months after we first started dating, he broke his hand in anger punching something). Anyway, all of this leads to his destructive behavior. He let his stupid friends control his life and tried to live up to their expectations. By the end of our relationship, he was an alcoholic and a pot head and a smoker. If you know me well at all, this is a problem. And no, it's not my job to fix that. Never, ever think it's your job.
We had a lot of fun together. We went on trips. We had great sex (until the end). He made me laugh (until the end, when I could tell he just hated me). He told me I was pretty (until the end, when he stopped trying and cared more about his stupid friends than me).
I remember the moment, exact moment, I stopped loving him. We were in a huge fight. I had gone to visit him for my birthday (I guess I didn't mention that we were long distance. Went to different colleges after high school that are 5 hours apart). We were talking about what his new "philosophy on life" was. It wasn't really a philosophy, but more a series of excuses for alcohol addiction and childish decisions. Still, I calmly let him explain himself. Then, I explained to him how I felt. How it hurt me to see him make these destructive decisions because I cared about him. He then laughed in my face. I called him an asshole. He walked out and then got drunk with his friends. I stopped loving him that moment. Still, it took me a month to realize that things finally needed to end.
In an LTR, it's really hard to end things. For the last 6 months, the only thing holding us together was "it's been 4 years, we have to make it work" My lesson for all of you is that this is not Project Runway. You don't "Make it Work." Relationships do take some work. Yes, they take compromise, but they don't take sacrifice.
Stress no longer exists in my life. I don't let it. My only regret is that I didn't end things sooner. I would have been much happier much sooner. Now I have freedom to be with my friends. To go out and flirt and have fun. I am open to flirting and fun and love, real love, not stress and work.
So now, I flirt, I date, and I'm learning what it means to be a single twenty-something and LOVING IT!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Mae
Though I'm extremely talented at talking about myself and my life, I've never been particularly good at writing "about me sections." So, bare with me.
I'm a senior in college--hopefully graduating in four months. My parents were highschool sweethearts, they married when they graduated. All my life, I assumed that I, too, would be married when I was twenty-one. By the time I turned twenty, I figured out that I would not be getting married within the next two years. I have never had a long-term, serious relationship. Neither, did I ever the stereotypical, highschool sweetheart type relationship. I have, however, had pretty much every other bizarre manifestation of relationship an individual could enjoy (or, not enjoy). My freshman year I was involved with two different men, one first semester and one second. (We'll ignore high school and random hook ups for the first couple of years at least) Both of these individuals were people I thought had long-term potential, we're talking marriage material. Especially the second--we will call him Shuey. Shuey was perfect for me on paper, same religion, same socio-economic background, same ethnic group, same goals. We were just too young. With both of them, we met, dated very soon upon meeting, technically ended dating within a few weeks, and then proceeded to do the "we're-best-friends-who-are-basically-dating-but-not-technically-thing" for months. Eventually, and predictably, these so called friendships imploded, especially with Shuey--though, that one lasted about a year. After that I casually dated people, and hooked up with a lot of other people until my junior year. After taking about a one year hiatus from the dating scene, I went through a period where I hooked up with everyone and there brother. After that I met this guy, we'll call him Larry. Larry and I met in the most typical, 'eyes meet across the room, lust at first sight, sweep you off your feet' meeting at a local pool hall. He proceeded to sweep me off my feet and romance the hell out of me. About a week later things predictably fell apart (to be fair, I was also leaving for Africa in about two weeks for the summer, which freaked him out, and he was quite a deal later). I went off to Africa, and though I was involved with people there, I couldn't get Larry out of my head. When I returned, Larry and I started dating again within a couple weeks. Since then we've been very off and on, more of a glorified fuck buddies if you will. The relationship has interesting transformed from me caring about him and he using me for sex, to him caring for me and me using him for sex. I tell myself its ok because he was such an asshole in the past. The only other male of interest since then was this guy we'll call Zebulan, who was weird. We dated, (this was during an off period with Larry)immediately became really serious, talking about the future and all, spending every moment together, we were perfect....until, he decided to break up with me by disappearing for four days and than deleting pictures of us off of facebook. When I asked him what the hell was going on via instant messenger (he wouldn't answer my calls)he informed me that his interest had waned. The next day he showed up at MY coffee shop (we met there, I live there--and he knows that ) with a date. While I remain on relatively decent terms with all my exes--we acknowledge each other when necessary, I feel that Zebulan's behavior when we broke up effectively undermined the need for me to be classy. I haven't spoken to him since we broke up. We don't like Zebulan. Zebulan is an asshole.
That was a lot longer than I had intended--sorry about that. Anyways, my dating style is two-fold. If I'm genuinely interested in forming a relationship with someone, I play it kind of backed off and let them seek me out--at least until I effectively have them under my spell. i.e., in this context I fairly fiercely ascribe to "He's Just Not That Into You." In my experience at least, relationships-good relationships, should not be hard. If he wants to be with you, if he cares about you ---he'll be dancing on rooftops shouting your name to the moon. You'll never have to call him first--because he'll be contacting you whenever possible (mind...there's a thin line between charmingly obsessed and creepily obsessed). However, in my experience at least, you truly have to let them chase you until you turn around and catch them. Admittedly waiting is a bitch, I'm not particularly patient so I spend a fair amount of time staring at my cell being annoyed. Entrapment is the name of the game. If a man really wants you, he'll sit through awful ballet's, be friends with your friends (even if he hates them,) buy you flowers to show he cares, text you good morning, etc not because you want him to, but because he wants to just so he can be with you--a subtle distinction that's important to understand. On the other hand, if I'm involved with a guy because I'm bored, or I just want sex--all bets are off. I am the queen of being the aggressor, pointing to a guy at a bar and taking him home, and contacting my fuck buddies for booty-calls (and not being subtle about it). What's the point of being subtle and working hard if we all just want the same thing? I've found texting a man "sex?" is a very effective tactic. I don't really bother with veiling my intention when I merely am using a man as a sex object--and it annoys me when they pretend its something more than it is. I'm a fan of bluntness. It also should be noted that I'm much better at the "glorified fuck-buddy" (as I like to call it) than the relationship game. That's probably because I'm a lot more focused on other aspects of my life--career, future planning, etc. I just don't think those aspects are as fun to giggle about.
Sorry, this ran a bit longer than intended--hopefully you have some insight into what I'm about now.
Best!
Mae
I'm a senior in college--hopefully graduating in four months. My parents were highschool sweethearts, they married when they graduated. All my life, I assumed that I, too, would be married when I was twenty-one. By the time I turned twenty, I figured out that I would not be getting married within the next two years. I have never had a long-term, serious relationship. Neither, did I ever the stereotypical, highschool sweetheart type relationship. I have, however, had pretty much every other bizarre manifestation of relationship an individual could enjoy (or, not enjoy). My freshman year I was involved with two different men, one first semester and one second. (We'll ignore high school and random hook ups for the first couple of years at least) Both of these individuals were people I thought had long-term potential, we're talking marriage material. Especially the second--we will call him Shuey. Shuey was perfect for me on paper, same religion, same socio-economic background, same ethnic group, same goals. We were just too young. With both of them, we met, dated very soon upon meeting, technically ended dating within a few weeks, and then proceeded to do the "we're-best-friends-who-are-basically-dating-but-not-technically-thing" for months. Eventually, and predictably, these so called friendships imploded, especially with Shuey--though, that one lasted about a year. After that I casually dated people, and hooked up with a lot of other people until my junior year. After taking about a one year hiatus from the dating scene, I went through a period where I hooked up with everyone and there brother. After that I met this guy, we'll call him Larry. Larry and I met in the most typical, 'eyes meet across the room, lust at first sight, sweep you off your feet' meeting at a local pool hall. He proceeded to sweep me off my feet and romance the hell out of me. About a week later things predictably fell apart (to be fair, I was also leaving for Africa in about two weeks for the summer, which freaked him out, and he was quite a deal later). I went off to Africa, and though I was involved with people there, I couldn't get Larry out of my head. When I returned, Larry and I started dating again within a couple weeks. Since then we've been very off and on, more of a glorified fuck buddies if you will. The relationship has interesting transformed from me caring about him and he using me for sex, to him caring for me and me using him for sex. I tell myself its ok because he was such an asshole in the past. The only other male of interest since then was this guy we'll call Zebulan, who was weird. We dated, (this was during an off period with Larry)immediately became really serious, talking about the future and all, spending every moment together, we were perfect....until, he decided to break up with me by disappearing for four days and than deleting pictures of us off of facebook. When I asked him what the hell was going on via instant messenger (he wouldn't answer my calls)he informed me that his interest had waned. The next day he showed up at MY coffee shop (we met there, I live there--and he knows that ) with a date. While I remain on relatively decent terms with all my exes--we acknowledge each other when necessary, I feel that Zebulan's behavior when we broke up effectively undermined the need for me to be classy. I haven't spoken to him since we broke up. We don't like Zebulan. Zebulan is an asshole.
That was a lot longer than I had intended--sorry about that. Anyways, my dating style is two-fold. If I'm genuinely interested in forming a relationship with someone, I play it kind of backed off and let them seek me out--at least until I effectively have them under my spell. i.e., in this context I fairly fiercely ascribe to "He's Just Not That Into You." In my experience at least, relationships-good relationships, should not be hard. If he wants to be with you, if he cares about you ---he'll be dancing on rooftops shouting your name to the moon. You'll never have to call him first--because he'll be contacting you whenever possible (mind...there's a thin line between charmingly obsessed and creepily obsessed). However, in my experience at least, you truly have to let them chase you until you turn around and catch them. Admittedly waiting is a bitch, I'm not particularly patient so I spend a fair amount of time staring at my cell being annoyed. Entrapment is the name of the game. If a man really wants you, he'll sit through awful ballet's, be friends with your friends (even if he hates them,) buy you flowers to show he cares, text you good morning, etc not because you want him to, but because he wants to just so he can be with you--a subtle distinction that's important to understand. On the other hand, if I'm involved with a guy because I'm bored, or I just want sex--all bets are off. I am the queen of being the aggressor, pointing to a guy at a bar and taking him home, and contacting my fuck buddies for booty-calls (and not being subtle about it). What's the point of being subtle and working hard if we all just want the same thing? I've found texting a man "sex?" is a very effective tactic. I don't really bother with veiling my intention when I merely am using a man as a sex object--and it annoys me when they pretend its something more than it is. I'm a fan of bluntness. It also should be noted that I'm much better at the "glorified fuck-buddy" (as I like to call it) than the relationship game. That's probably because I'm a lot more focused on other aspects of my life--career, future planning, etc. I just don't think those aspects are as fun to giggle about.
Sorry, this ran a bit longer than intended--hopefully you have some insight into what I'm about now.
Best!
Mae
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