I am a Cali girl, displaced into middle America. I moved in august and it was a bittersweet end to my summer. The story is complicated, so try and bear with it. I left out the details, a lot of why's and the answers to them. There is the man i would have stayed straight for, the woman i would go gay for and the man who was better than either and let me just have sex with him.

First there was Saul. i fell in love with him. a month after this revelation i found out he had a girlfriend-- a fact which he hid from me in those preliminary months we flirted, shared our writing, hung out, smoked weed. I tried to take the high road because Saul was wonderful and i was sure i could be friends with him. But it became too awkwardly apparent that we were soul mates and so we entered into this state of non-relationship. He actually used the term "right-brained girlfriend". we basked in each others company. If i had spare time i called Saul. he taught me how to become a better writer, how to live cheaply, how to get what i wanted. that is the thing about Saul, he is an opportunist; he is charming, intelligent, and flattering. I saw it, but felt like things were fair between us, i trusted him and never felt cheated. In May i told him i loved him and had the most gratifying dtr (define the relationship) conversation i might ever have. he said he didn't know what he was doing with current girlfriend, that we were so alike and that he could see us starting a family in the future. it took him a month to break up with her and in that time i met Drew.

Drew was a boy i had a crush on in high school. he had long skater hair and quoted hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy. when I saw him in May he asked me if i wanted to go see DJ Tiesto who was coming to Sacramento. i said hell yes! (if you don't know this dj, look him up. he's performing at coachella this year. btw.) now, in young people culture usually an invite by a crush to a big concert means we're going to hook up after. and we did. I did not feel guilty about this. it was hot and Saul and i we were not in a relationship yet. i had A LOT of sexual frustration from being hung up on (and celibate) in all those months. So here was Drew. he's the first man to give me an orgasm. we entered into an advanced fuck buddy status, on the cusp of couple. Except i knew nothing would ever get that far. I actually had a get out of jail free card-- moving in a month. fortunately i was able to leave him without him knowing about Saul or Re.

who is Re? Re is the woman i fell in love with. We went to the same community college and became friends. She invited me to the Russian River Women's Weekend. Until arriving there, i had no idea that it was a lesbian celebration. i have always been rather naive when it comes to woman on woman action, although i had been curious for quite a while. i was excited that here was a safe zone to experiment. i kept looking for a girl to open up to but i could not take my eyes off Re. she is beautiful, genuine, intelligent, capable, complex, and so loving. she cares for everyone around her. and i felt myself to be in trouble because she had a boyfriend (of 7 years no less). unfortunately we never even kissed, but we broke into an abandoned house once to look for a light, made dandelion wine, found perfect butterflies. something special always happens when i am with her. If she and the boyfriend broke up and she asked me to move to Argentina with her i would, even now. But i had to deny her the privilege of helping me move to the Midwest although she pressed me. I knew that if i let her we would hook up and while she might be ok with that, i didn't want her to be. Neither would i considering i wouldn't be the one she would return home to. She and i are still... friends?

i believe Saul saw my journal entry about Re and though there were many other reasons for the distance that grew between us, he was catholic and i knew he couldn't handle a relationship with a bisexual woman. i have not spoken to Saul since Christmas since we had sex in the back of my grandparent's explorer in the back of an alley of his hometown. It's not as bad as it seems. Everything with Saul was always take it as it is.

Although there have been crushes and lovers since then, this is the story that really propels my current views of "love".

now you know.